Dependence and Submission 依赖和顺从 Embedded in these ambivalent relationships, there was another issue that proved to be perhaps the most central and predominant theme in Gloria's treatment—and for that matter throughout the course of her illness. It was the theme of submission and the sacrifice of autonomy. Gloria would often undertake, for example, to help her mother with some of the housework. Her reasons—at one level—were to gain some approval from mother and to please her. But Gloria regarded mother as a sloppy and ineffective housekeeper. She wanted to do things in her way—whether it was dishes or laundry or cleaning or whatever. Mother would insist on having Gloria do things her way instead. There were frequent arguments over such matters, but it quickly became clear that the real issue was not how a particular bit of work was to be done. Rather the real issue was who was going to have their own way and who was going to submit. Although Gloria would argue with her mother, she never felt that in the last analysis there was any possibility of having her own way about things. 在这些矛盾的关系中，还有另一个问题可能是格洛丽亚治疗过程中最核心、最主要的主题，而且贯穿了她的整个病程。这是服从和牺牲自主权的主题。例如，格洛丽亚经常帮助她母亲做一些家务。她的理由——在某种程度上——是为了得到母亲的认可和取悦她。但是格洛丽亚认为母亲是个粗心大意、效率低下的主妇。她想用自己的方式做事——不管是洗碗、洗衣服、打扫还是别的什么。母亲坚持让格洛丽亚按她的方式做事。关于这类问题经常有争论，但很快就清楚了，真正的问题不是如何完成一项微不足道的工作。更确切地说，真正的问题是谁会有自己的方式，谁会屈服从。尽管格洛丽亚会和她母亲争论，但她从来没有觉得，归根结底，有任何可能按照她自己的方式处理事情。 Father got into the act of course. When such argments arose, father would always impress upon Gloria that if she stood up to her mother and insisted on doing things her own way that mother would get sick again. This particularly dire threat was the most effective one which the father could find to keep Gloria in line. Gloria saw herself as much different in this regard from her younger sister Gladys. Gladys could do things she wanted and could stand up to mother. When I asked her why this was so, the inevitable reply was that her father let Gladys stand up to mother and let her get away with things, but for some unexplained reason he did not let Gloria do the same. Gloria explained this discrepancy by a presumed collusion between father and Gladys which was part of father's favoritism toward her. Gloria felt resentful and quite jealous over this. In the face of the threatened consequences of standing up to mother, Gloria felt that she was helpless; she had no recourse but to submit to her mother's wishes and to do everything as she wanted it done. If she did not try to be very good and do what mother wanted, she was faced with the constant threat of a recurrence of mother's illness and the loss of mother once again. The price of acceptance and closeness was complete and utter submission. The only alternative Gloria could see was that of complete and absolute rebellion, with the consequence of loss of love and catastrophic abandonment. 父亲当然也参与进来了。每当发生这样的争吵时，父亲总是提醒格洛里亚，如果她反抗母亲，坚持按自己的方式做事，母亲就会再次生病。这个特别可怕的威胁是父亲能找到的最有效的方法来让格洛丽亚听话。格洛丽亚认为自己在这方面与她的妹妹格拉迪斯大不相同。格拉迪斯能做她想做的事，也能反抗母亲。当我问她为什么会这样时，不可避免的回答是，父亲让格拉迪斯勇敢地面对母亲，让她逍遥法外，但出于某种无法解释的原因，他没有让格洛里亚这么做。格洛丽亚用假想的父亲和格拉迪斯串通一气来解释这种差异，这是父亲偏爱她的一部分原因。格洛丽亚对这件事感到气愤和嫉妒。格洛丽亚面临着和母亲顶嘴的潜在后果，她觉得自己无能为力;她没有别的办法，只好顺从她母亲的意愿，母亲让她咋做她就咋做。如果她不努力做得很好，不做母亲想做的事，她就会不断地面临母亲疾病复发和再次失去母亲的威胁。接受和亲近的代价是完全和彻底的服从。格洛丽亚所能看到的唯一的选择就是完全彻底的反抗，结果是失去爱和灾难性的抛弃。 Gloria was caught in a similar bind in her relationship with her father, with an added element that intensified and complicated the problem. The added element was simply that her father played into this neurotic need on Gloria's part with his own neurotic needs to have her maintain her dependence on him and to remain submissive and accepting of his views and attitudes toward life and the world. On Gloria's part, she felt that she had to adhere to everything that her father said, had to accept his attitudes and views on matters of all kinds, had to do what he wanted her to do, etc. If she were not to follow this submissive pattern, dreadful things would happen. The dreadful things were usually misfortunes that would befall father—he would get sick, he would die, he would become crazy, or depressed, or suicidal. Any movement toward independence became translated in her mind into an attack on her father that would hurt, cripple, or kill him. 格洛丽亚在与父亲的关系中也陷入了类似的困境，还有一个额外的因素使问题加剧与复杂化。另外一个因素很简单，她的父亲利用了格洛丽亚的这种神经症的需要，而他自己也有神经症的需要，即让格洛丽亚保持对他的依赖，保持顺从，接受他对生活和世界的观点和态度。就格洛丽亚而言，她觉得她必须遵守她父亲说的一切，必须接受他对各种事情的态度和看法，必须做他想让她做的事，等等。如果她不遵循这种顺从的模式，可怕的事情就会发生。可怕的事情通常是降临在父亲身上的不幸——他会生病，会死去，会发疯，会抑郁，会自杀。任何走向独立的运动在她的脑海里都变成了对她父亲的攻击，这会伤害、削弱或杀死他。 The intensity of these feelings was displaced in a variety of contexts. The chronic arguments between Gloria and her father were on her part motivated by the pressure she felt to submit to and to endorse his views. The argument was a reflection of her conflicts over such submission; she felt she had to submit but did not want to. Prolonging the argument was a way of compromise between these opposing aspects and, as we have seen, it was a means of involvement with her father which had considerable secondary gratification. Gloria went to college because her father said she should; she felt that she had no choice in the matter. She submitted to his wish but found a way of sabotaging his wish by getting sick and dropping out. She had argued about that too, feeling that if she could not win the argument and convince him of her point of view she would have to capitulate and completely accept his view of the matter. If she did not adhere to what he said, she felt terribly guilty, like a criminal who had committed some terrible crime and who had to be punished. She remembered such feelings for as long as her memory extended. There was both a desperate need to cling to this conviction—namely, to submit to and accept whatever her father said or else she would somehow lose him—and an underlying resentment and anger at having to submit and surrender her own thoughts and inclinations. This inner conflict provided a major focus of her treatment. She felt that she had to stay close to her father, because otherwise she would be hurt or somehow damaged. 这些强烈的感情在各种情况下都被移置了。格洛丽亚和父亲之间的长期争吵，在她看来，是迫于压力而产生的，她觉得自己必须屈从于父亲的观点，并支持他的观点。这场争论反映了她对这种顺从的矛盾;她觉得她不得不屈服，但又不想屈服。延长争论时间是在这些对立的方面之间达成妥协的一种方式[即在不得不屈服与不想屈服之间达成妥协]，正如我们所看到的，这是与她父亲交往的一种方式，能带来相当大的次要满足感。格洛丽亚上大学是因为她父亲说她应该上大学;她觉得在这件事上她没有选择。她顺从了他的愿望，但却找到了一种方法，通过生病和退学来破坏他的愿望。她也曾为此争论过，她觉得如果她不能赢得这场争论，不能使他相信她的观点，她就必须投降，完全接受他对这件事的看法。如果她不遵守他说的话，她会感到非常内疚，就像犯了一些可怕的罪行，必须受到惩罚的罪犯一样。只要她的记忆还能继续，她就能记住这种感觉。她迫切地需要坚持这一信念，即服从和接受父亲说的任何话，否则她就会不知怎的失去他;同时，她又对自己的思想和倾向必须服从和屈服而感到潜在的怨恨和愤怒。这种内心的冲突是她治疗的重点。她觉得自己必须和父亲呆在一起，否则她就会受伤或受到某种伤害。 It was quite clear that there was little or no room for compromise or give-and-take in Gloria's way of dealing with her family. The issue was total capitulation, either they were going to "give in" to her or she would have to "give in" to them. It had to be one way or the other, there was no room for flexibility or negotiation or for agreement without capitulation. As Gloria saw her position in the family, she had no alternatives but either to submit and surrender her views and wishes, or to fight for her views, to launch a counterattack that would have dangerous and dreadful consequences. She saw herself as having no rights, no right to have her own opinion, no right to think differently about things from her mother or father. If her opinion differed, then she must be in the wrong. There was no room in her head or in her family for people to have differing views and differing opinions. To have a different opinion was to attack the other person's opinion. More importantly, however, there was no room for Gloria to have an opinion of her own, or to make a decision of her own, especially if it were a a "wrong" decision or opinion. The definition of "wrong" came to be "differing from the opinions of others"—particularly the opinions of her father. 很明显，在格洛里亚处理家庭问题的方式上，几乎没有妥协或让步的余地。问题是完全投降，要么他们“屈服”于她，要么她必须“屈服”于他们。必须是这样或那样，没有灵活或协商的空间，也没有不带投降的协议的空间。当格洛丽亚看到自己在家庭中的地位时，她别无选择，只能要么屈从并放弃自己的观点和愿望，要么为自己的观点而斗争，发起反击，这将带来危险和可怕的后果。她认为自己没有权利，没有权利有自己的观点，没有权利以不同于母亲或父亲的方式思考问题。如果她的意见不同，那么她一定错了。在她的头脑中，在她的家庭中，没有空间让人们有不同的观点和意见。持有不同的观点就是攻击别人的观点。然而，更重要的是，格洛丽亚没有拥有自己想法的空间，也没有自己做决定的空间，尤其是如果这是一个“错误的”决定或意见。“错误”的定义变成了“不同于他人的观点”——尤其是她父亲的观点。